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Torn in two

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For some days I have been running around some ideas for a new post on here…snapping some pictures here and there. It was going to be a bit about New Years and what amazing meal my neighbor, Magda, made for Caleb and I. Also had wanted to update on the great time I had at Popesti seeing and visiting with all of the orphan children there last Friday.

But then, yesterday happened. Because this is a public blog I can’t really go into detail about what happened. I can tell you that it happened at Popesti and it was horrible. These children are so abused, so destroyed that it is truly animalistic at times how they act with each other. I wasn’t there; it was my day to cook and clean for the team. Those who had just been visiting returned for lunch and walked in the door with tears and a look that can’t really be described in their eyes.

I couldn’t process what happened then. Too much was going on. Once Caleb and Alex were in bed I let it hit my heart. For hours I brought it back and forth to God. What is the point? WHAT IS THE POINT? I wasn’t using these words with Him and they seem to not capture my questioning or anger over what happened enough. But, I have some young readers of this blog so that is the only reason why I refrain from really expressing myself right now.

The children at Popesti, majority of them, are so destroyed. Their abandonment and childhood in growing up in a state institution has literally created destruction. Destruction of their minds, destruction of their emotions, destruction of their social skills, destruction of their language, destruction of their personality and destruction of their behavior. This destruction is the basis for their daily life. So what happened yesterday, I’m sure, happens on quite a regular basis. It’s just unusual that “we” were there when it happened. Knowing it happens and being there when it happens are two very different things.

It tore me in two. What is the point, Lord? What is THE POINT? I, we, cannot bring any change there by ourselves. Each one of these children is in need of an entire slew of therapists and life long counselling in order to have any sort of success in their life. So why even try God – what ARE we doing in Popesti? This stuff happens all the time. I know it. So what is the point – if it’s going to happen anyway what’s the point?
And, why? Why was I chosen to grow up where I did with the parents and family I had? Why was I allowed to have the education that I did? Why was I allowed to have an incredible set of friends, many who remain even today? Why am I allowed to go to sleep in safety each night in a warm apartment? Why am I allowed to wake up and put on clothes that don’t smell of body odor and bad hygiene? Why have I been chosen to succeed when they, by no choice of their own, have been set on a plan for failure?
Why am I allowed to have a relationship with Jesus like I do – have a Christian body like I do – have an amazing network of prayer, support, counselling and accountability like I do?
Why is there some who do and some who don’t?
I could have been one of those kids at Popesti. You could have been as well…

Does that hit you? That is by no act of your own, or your parents, or their parents, that you were born where you were?

I hate sin. I hate that sin took these children on a horribly mis-led path for their lives. I do not believe that Jesus CHOSE this life for them. He lovingly created them and they were born into a sinful world with free-will. That free-will, for these children at least, forced them into the destruction that they call their lives now.

So, what is the point? It’s something I’m still struggling with today even… Last night I spent time sitting in Ecclesiastes. There’s just so much sin in this world. Letting the words of the first few chapters of this scripture sink into my heart brought such sorrow and depression. So much sin. And oh MY SIN. I am so guilty of so much that is written there. The sin at Popesti. The sin in this world. SIN.

I went to sleep – my heart was just hurting and aching for the evil of sin and the hopelessness that it brings.

This morning I was led to Romans 5 in a daily devotional I’ve been using.
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

I literally took each phrase and ‘told’ God to prove to me how this made sense in light of ministry at Popesti.

It wasn’t that He necessarily answered but after repeating each phrase over and over again I had peace…and then came His answer.



Does not put us to shame. Does NOT put us TO SHAME.


God’s love.



Into our hearts.

So, I don’t know much but I do know this.

God HAS poured His love into me and created a HOPE THAT DOES NOT DISAPPOINT.
God HAS called me to let this overflow to the kids at Popesti orphanage.
He has called me to do this without knowing how, when or if ever it will create change in them.

How’s that for a mission’s update?
It kind of makes me excited, actually…brings Him front and center even more…

On a totally random note. (Really REALLY switching gears here.)
Caleb was rhyming words to “Barbara Ann” today (we were singing the song together). Since I was making pancakes at the moment he started saying “Mommy needs a pan, Mommy needs a man. Mommy needs a pan, Mommy needs a man.”
I looked straight at him and said – you most definitely are right! Ha! He still doesn’t realize what he said but it made me laugh so hard. And, I kind of needed that after the load that’s been on my heart over the crap at Popesti. Hope the rhyme brought a smile to your face as well!


4 responses »

  1. oh my gosh kels, i am sitting in the computer lab ready to bawl my eyes out, and then there’s the beauty of Caleb’s rhyme.

    i’m praying. extra hard today.
    i love you guys and i love those kids and i love what you’re all doing!


  2. Praying for you and the children. 😦


  3. I love you guys!

    On a lighter note… I picked your blog for a silly little award. It is on my blog. Happy Monday!

  4. I am without words right now, Kels, but my heart is with you and I will be joining with you in prayer for those children and for you. You are surely sharing the suffering of Christ, in witnessing the abuse and harm you have seen inflicted on those children. You will all be in my heart and prayers every day.


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