I need more of Jesus. I really am nothing, honestly. I can’t fix, heal or make better. I can’t stop the wrong and make people see truth. I can’t stop the pain, hurt and injustice.
Monday was my first trip to the state orphange. I’ve been there before but never as someone on that specific team that serves there. I knew before I went what goes on there. I thought I knew enough to be able to “deal with it.” You know what I know now? When you’re just visiting, see them about every so often, or only hear about the stories…it’s so much easier to deal with it. You can push it to the side and because you’re not there on a regular basis your heart doesn’t have to be in 100%.
i wept when i came home. i cried out over the pain, oh the pain, that my heart felt after just that first visit. anger over the wrong choices that others made for them when they were young that have destroyed how they make choices now. and the ache in knowing that this is just a taste of their daily existance, what i’m feeling right now.
oh Jesus. i need more of You. i cannot do this. You can though – You can.
Psalm 46 . . . an EVER PRESENT help in times of trouble. isn’t that beautifully put? an ever present…. Jesus, I need that. I need more of You and less of me in order to love these kids the way that You desire them to be loved. I believe He can do miracles there, I really do. I believe He can transform these hurting – hurting lives. But I’m telling you all right now that it hurts to do that. I thought when I came back Monday night how much easier it would be to not go. To stay in their lives the way I have for 5 years now…at a distance. A distance is so much easier. Getting close means getting close to their pain and hurt… That’s hard. It would be so much easier to not go. To pray and “feel” at a distance. But that’s not what God has led me to do just now. I need more of Jesus. Iwant my heart to beat in time with His for these kids. I want my eyes to see them with what He has called them to be, even if they are not yet. And, most of all…
For them to know their Jesus and allow Him to transform their lives with His redeeming love.
Can you just imagine?
PS. The papers are found. About 15 minutes after I cried out for help. Thank you all . . .