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i need more

I need more of Jesus.  I really am nothing, honestly.  I can’t fix, heal or make better.  I can’t stop the wrong and make people see truth.  I can’t stop the pain, hurt and injustice. 

Monday was my first trip to the state orphange.  I’ve been there before but never as someone on that specific team that serves there.  I knew before I went what goes on there.  I thought I knew enough to be able to “deal with it.”  You know what I know now?  When you’re just visiting, see them about every so often, or only hear about the stories…it’s so much easier to deal with it.  You can push it to the side and because you’re not there on a regular basis your heart doesn’t have to be in 100%. 

i wept when i came home.  i cried out over the pain, oh the pain, that my heart felt after just that first visit.  anger over the wrong choices that others made for them when they were young that have destroyed how they make choices now.  and the ache in knowing that this is just a taste of their daily existance, what i’m feeling right now.

oh Jesus.  i need more of You.  i cannot do this.  You can though – You can.

Psalm 46 . . . an EVER PRESENT help in times of trouble.  isn’t that beautifully put?  an ever present….  Jesus, I need that.  I need more of You and less of me in order to love these kids the way that You desire them to be loved.  I believe He can do miracles there, I really do.  I believe He can transform these hurting – hurting lives.  But I’m telling you all right now that it hurts to do that.  I thought when I came back Monday night how  much easier it would be to not go.  To stay in their lives the way I have for 5 years now…at a distance.  A distance is so much easier.  Getting close means getting close to their pain and hurt…  That’s hard.  It would be so much easier to not go.  To pray and “feel” at a distance.  But that’s not what God has led me to do just now.  I need more of Jesus.  Iwant my heart to beat in time with His for these kids.  I want my eyes to see them with what He has called them to be, even if they are not yet.  And, most of all…

For them to know their Jesus and allow Him to transform their lives with His redeeming love.

Can you just imagine?

PS.  The papers are found.  About 15 minutes after I cried out for help.  Thank you all . . .


2 responses »

  1. you’re doing a great thing there, Kels. i’ve only got a glimpse of how tough life is there and i really admire all of you for the work you guys are doing there… there’s a whole lot of pouring out to be done, but God will honour that, and pour right back into you… and we’re all here for the rest… 🙂

  2. so glad u found your papers. PTL! I know the feeling of “feeling” for others. Romania frustrates me to no end. When i see the way they treat each other, the way society just doesn’t care, i feel like its hopeless even trying. I know we can make a difference in a poor life here and there, but to really CHANGE society to teach them to care for EACH OTHER, to take care of their own… you just want to give up. Romanians themselves tell me to give up! but with that passion and pain, and heart for the people, you know you have to go back. Everyone has given up in the past 20 years, it’s about time someone doesn’t. Jesus didn’t give up on me, poor sad wretch that i am, who am i to give up on his people? People i meet say “why do you go back to Romania, when it’s so frustrating for you? so boring? so dead?” Because God has put this compassion and love in my heart that will not go away, that blesses me abundantly when i stick with it.
    I haven’t been to a state orphanage (yet), but i think God gives us baby steps. i had this situation the first time a gyspy boy came to me begging on the street. again when i first went to the hospital and saw the beautiful babies that no one cared for. And i’m sure when i finally see that state institution, i’ll be crushed, angry and confused again. But it keeps us calling out for God’s grace and mercy. It keeps everything in perspective.
    Your post is desperate and heart-wrenching… but aren’t those entries the most beautiful? when you must cling to Jesus.
    My heart and prayers are with you all.


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